Welcome to my Jokes and bad humor Section 3 of 7
Lets just say many of these arrived in my e-mail and may not be appropriate for all readers. Remember I just collected these jokes and I don't know the origin of any of them. The collection is quite large so I've split the bulk into seven pages which you can jump to easily by clicking below.
10 year-old Frankie blundered into his dad’s bedroom one day as he was sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom on in preparation for sex with his wife. His father, attempting to hide his full condom clad erection stooped over quickly, as if to look under the bed. Frankie asked curiously, “Whatcha doin’ Dad?” Flustered, his father blurted out, “I thought I saw a rat go under the bed.” Puzzled, Frankie replied “What ya gonna do, fuck’im?”
One day, young Tommy’s mom decided to give her son an anatomy lesson. She took off all of her clothes and pointed out her vagina, saying, “Tommy this is where you come from.” Tommy went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as ‘Lucky Tom.’ “Why?” one asked. Tommy held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”
A traveling salesman rang the doorbell only to have the door opened by an obese 10-year-old boy holding a beer, smoking a fat cigar and wearing lipstick, fishnet stockings and red lingerie. The salesman asked, “Young uh…lad, uh…are your parents home?” Tapping ash on the carpet impatiently, the pint-sized porker replied, “What the fuck do you think?”
Norbert returns from school reporting that he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” interrogated his father. “Well,” Norbert explained, “The teacher asked me 2x3 and I said six!” “But that’s right!” confirmed his Dad. Norbert continued, “But then she asked me 3x2?” “What’s the fucking difference?” demanded the father. Norbert replied, “That’s exactly what I said!”
At school Little Sally’s teacher announced, “Today we’re learning multi-syllabic words. Does anybody know a multi-syllabic word?” Little Sally waved her hand squealing, “Pick me. Miss Rogers! Pick Me. Pick Me!” Miss Rogers couldn’t help but notice her so she called her name saying, “All right, Sally, what is your multi-syllabic word?” “Masturbate. Mas-tur-bate. Three syllables!” Sally announced proudly. Miss Rogers smiled nervously. Not wanting to discourage her she said, “My goodness Sally, heh heh heh, that’s uh…quite a mouthful.” “No Miss Rogers,” corrected Little Silly, “you’re thinking of a blow job!”
Little Mary comes running into the house and asks, “Mommy, can little girls like me have babies?” “No,” says her Mom flatly, “of course not.” Little Mary tears back outside, slamming the screen door behind and shouts, “It’s okay! We can play that game again!”
Young Stillman was sitting in his grade four class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Ellen, I need to take a piss!” The teacher scolded, “Now, Stillman, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word would be ‘urinate.’ Now, use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and you may go.” Stillman thought it over briefly, then looking at Miss Rogers he exclaimed, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten!”
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Suzy, who responded with, “My father bought my mother the most beautiful dress and she looked beautiful wearing it.” “Very good, Suzy.” Encouraged the teacher. Next she called on little Mikey. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out to be beautiful.” He offered. “Excellent, Michael!” She confirmed. Then, the teacher called on Delmer. Delmer thought things over for a minute then he stood up and declared proudly, “Last night, at the dinner table, when my sister told my old man that she was pregnant, he said, ‘Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful!’”
Q- My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
Medical science (Ha!) has finally found a diagnosis for this condition:
Almost 150 years ago, in the nation’s interest, President Abraham Lincoln found it necessary to hire private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. This Presidential contract marked the earliest representation of the kind of enforcement agency that would eventually evolve into the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: the ‘Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.’ Illustrations as part of an initial proposal included uniform designs featuring the service new acronym boldly emblazoned across the backs of the jackets worn by future members of the service. There, across the backs of the black outfits, with initials in large white letters where tomorrow’s members of…FATASS!
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking…
A man with a bad stomach problem goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife listens to the instructions, places one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, “DAMN!” “What’s the matter?” asks the wife, “Did I hurt you?” “No,” replies the man, “but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH his hands on my shoulders.”
An elderly priest invited a young priest over to his home for dinner. During the meal the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the lovely housekeeper than what met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.” About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?” The priest said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So, he sat down and wrote, “Dear Father, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my home and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle... but, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later the elderly priest received a response letter from the young priest that read, “Dear Father, I’m not saying you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper and I’m not saying you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But, the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found your silver gravy ladle by now.”
1. Why are men like computers?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping trip in the Scottish moors. They pitched their tent and settled in for the night. Suddenly unable to sleep, Holmes elbowed his long time friend in the side. Breaking the still silence of the night he asked, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes continued, “And what does that tell you?” Watson thought about it for a moment then answered, “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Astrologically, it tells me the Moon is in the house of Sagittarius. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes blew a circle of smoke from his freshly sparked pipe and said, “Elementary, my dear Watson. Someone has stolen our tent!”
One day a man called the church office. He said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?” The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, “I’m sorry, who?” The caller repeated, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?” She said, “Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as ‘Pastor,’ or ‘Brother,’ but I prefer that you not refer to him as the ‘head hog at the trough!’” “Oh.” the man responded, “Well, I was just calling to discuss a grant of $100,000 I’m thinking of contributing to the building fund....” To this the secretary quickly added “Hang on, I think the fat swine just walked in!”
After having just arrived by boat to the shores of the USA, Two Scottish nuns decide to try the American experience. One says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points toward a hot dog vendor and they approach it curiously. “Two, uh, dogs, please.” Ventures one nun nervously. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to examine their “dogs.” The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Mick goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Mick?” Mick says, “Yes Father, it’s me.” The Priest probes “Who was the woman you were with?” Mick says, “I cannot tell you, Father, because I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” The priest asks, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?” Mick replies, “No, Father.” The priest asks, “Was it Fiona MacDonald?” Mick replies “No.” The priest asks, “Was it Sharon Flaherty then?” Mick replies, “No. The priest asks, “Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?” Mick replies, “No, Father.” The priest asks, “Was it Karen O’Toole?” Mick replies, “No, Father. The priest asks, “Was it little Kathy Sullivan?” Mick replies, “No Father! Please understand, I cannot tell you.” Finally the Priest says, “Lad, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four ‘Our Fathers’ and five ‘Hail Mary’s.’ Now go back to your seat with you.” Mick walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, “What happened?” “Well,” replies Mick slyly, “I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary’s, and six good leads.”
Three ladykillers are comparing notes on their amorous skills. Guiseppe brags, “When I’ve ah finishah makinah loveah withah my lady, I go downah and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abuhva da bed in ecstasy!” Francois replies, “Zat is noteeng, when Ah ahv finished making ze love with mon amour, ah kiss all ze way down her bawdee and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 eenches above ze bed in tout le bliss.” Bruce says, “Mite, that’s nothin’. When oy’ve finished shaggin’ moy Sheila, I get owt of bed, walk over to the window and woyp moy deek on the curtains. She hits the fuckin’ roof !!!”
One day Superman was feeling super horny. So, he began to ask his superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. “Hey Batman! “asked the man of steel, “Who’s good in the sack?” “Well, Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland. Why don’t you try her?” replied Batman. “I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.” “Damn shame.” said Batman as he drove off. Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over the city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. “Hey Hal, you’re a swinging bachelor, I’m lookin’ for some action. Who’s the best sex in Comicland?” “Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is, by far and away, the best lay in Comicland, why don’t you try her?” “Well, we’re sort of friends,” Superman said, “but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much.” and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted and hornier then a Bizarran Butt Bunny. “Damn it!” he thought, “She’s such a sexpot and I am faster than a speeding bullet. I can be in and out before she even knows I’m there.” So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression.“What the hell was that?” she exclaimed. “I don’t know,” moaned the Invisible Man as he rolled off her, “but my ass is killing me.”
A young couple is making passionate love in the guy’s custom van, complete with shag rugs, disco light and double mattress. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!” The guy didn’t happen to have any whips handy but he also didn’t want to pass up this unique opportunity. In a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in a heap of sadomasochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?” Somewhat embarrassed the girl admits sheepishly that she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, “I thought as much. In all my years of doctoring you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen.”
There are bad days and then there are really bad days....
CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998…
The following was published in a Florida newspaper.
Reading between the lines....
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. He says, “Well, little guy, that sure is a nice fire truck!” “Thanks mister,” says the little boy. The fireman looks a closer look and notices that the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. “Son,” says the perplexed fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope around the dogs neck, I think you could go faster.” The little boy shrugs his shoulders and says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving their revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move or I’ll bust a cap in your ass!” When his partner moved toward the cash register, the startled first bandit shot him.
Whats in a word?.....
? There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple or pine in pineapple.
Halloween is better than sex because...
An engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him saying, “If you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the clerk. In a condescending manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Why,” asks the guy, “ is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “That’s obvious,” answers the clerk, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture...”
Two golfers prepared to take to the links. The first fellow said, “I notice you only have one ball there. Would you like me to loan you another for back-up?” The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I won’t be needing another one.” “Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?” “That’s okay,” he replied, “this special ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.” “Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?” The other guy fires back, “That’s okay too. You see this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back no problem.” Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What then?” “No problem,” chuckles the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.” Finally satisfied that he needs only the one special golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?” The other guy replies, “I found it.”
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry, but rather than getting angry, consider that somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and the note with those flowers says, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look,” says the 2nd nun, “a soap dispenser.” To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, “Just what I expected. Hand cream!”
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!” “That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.” “How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have possibly been worse?” “Well,” replied Frank, “If it’d happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
Here is a little test. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow White relents and says, “When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.” Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Actual maintenance complaints (“Squawks”) submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
On the sixth day God turned to angel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkling lakes, bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.” God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.” “But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really.” God replied. “Just wait and see the neighbours I’m going to give them.”
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